Depression is a Virtue

I think in some ways depression is a virtue. Other times I think it’s a curse. Living with this thing inside of myself that I will never be able to get rid of. A chemical imbalance they say. Some mornings when I wake, I think I can’t do it. That it’s something that I’m prolonging in hopes that it will get better but in fact, it never will. Something that will get easier. I think of giving up. I think of giving up more than I think of carrying on. But if every person in this world was to give up, I think the world would be an empty place.

Depression is something that will forever be with me. in a way, its comforting knowing that I can fall back on a diagnosis in hopes of understanding myself. It feeds on me like there's nothing else there. But there is. As much as depression lives inside me so does happiness and love. As much as I wish, these don’t cancel each other out. I dream of a world where this is possible, where happiness took over me. but without my little brain bug, would happiness become a burden? Boring almost. Possibly after a while.

Depression is a virtue. I have learned things about myself on a deeper level than what others possibly would. I know how to handle myself and I know what I need even if it isn’t necessarily what I want. I know when its time to let go and when its time to hold on. I know when I need to sleep and not feel guilty about it. I know when to feed myself without feeling guilty about it. I think in a way depression is the guilt trip of life. Where you feel guilty for making yourself feel so sad that you can’t raise out of bed. When you cry and you don’t know what you’re crying for. Understanding the mental toughness of depression and the pressure to be one with society, it’s a hard thing to do. But, once you learn, its not necessarily easier, but the weight on your shoulders isn’t as heavy.

Four years ago, I got diagnosed with the sacred word. I got told there was something inside me that would forever bear weight on me. Something that I would need to cope with and I didn’t have a choice. I thought that I was done for. What’s the point if nothing is going to be easier? I kept everything inside of myself and chose not to talk on what should be addressed.

Now, I’m open about it. I have fought my battle and will continue each day of my life. Do I enjoy it? Hell no. But I need to fight. I grow strong. I train and I conquer. I fall and I get up. I cry and I dry my eyes and move on. The thing about depression is you see the world in all its lonely glory. Despite fighting for other people, you fight for yourself. When I realised this, I began ignoring the thoughts in my head of disappointment. I forgot the opinions of others. I appreciate the support but I need to do it on my own. Yes, its helps to talk and to tell my story, but I survived doing it on my own. I am my own biggest achievement.

I've always dreamed of having a family. Always dreamed of waking up to the sound a child shouting mum waiting on my reply. I never thought I could be responsible for another persons life. How could I if I cant even live my own? But I kept me going. I did it on my own and I never want another person to feel that way. Maybe it will be passed down through genes or maybe not. But if we were to focus on the maybes in life, we would never move on. There would be no progression in humanity.

Depression is a virtue and I have learned the hard way. Understand yourself before you try and understand anyone else. And through that, you will find people who love, care, cry, hurt. You are not the only one out there who feels the way you do. Its cliché but true. And when you find those people who feel that way, you hold on. Because when other people understand you, you learn to accept yourself for the way you are.